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Sep 16, 2014 / 4,361 notes
Sep 16, 2014

Since when did trying to keep yourself busy instead of wallowing in your sadness and pain as a way to grieve the loss of a loved one become a crime?

A month ago my mom passed away, and every single day since she has passed kills me. She adopted me when I was just a newborn, and raised and loved me as if I were her own flesh and blood. 

Her death wasn’t a surprise. I knew it was coming. (I was her full time caregiver for the past year.) Her cancer was never going to go away, but we could prolong life as long as we could by doing chemo, to give her more time. 

Nobody really can prepare themselves for the death of a parent, spouse, or child. However, knowing that it was coming, I guess I was more accepting of it because I knew she was no longer suffering. 

My grandma was in denial, or completely oblivious to her declining state. 

It’s been a month since she’s passed. In this time I’ve met with my lawyer to handle a few financial things, and talked with two friends more about moving in so I could afford to stay in the home I grew up in. That was discussed way before my mom even passed because my mom wanted to know what I would do if anything were to happen to her.

I also took the time to start painting our living room. I’m currently not working nor am I in school. I wanted something to keep myself busy as well as productive. I also talked to my boyfriend about having laminate floor put in because our carpet is in need of replacement.

I talked to my Grandma today, and she told me my mom’s boyfriend wanted some stuff back. (Don’t even get me started on him.) She asked if he could have our old lawn mower to scrap/fix up to sell for himself. Um, no. I’m not giving it to him so he can go buy drugs. She threw a fit that I wouldn’t give it to him. She doesn’t even fucking like him. 

She then accused me of ‘moving on too fast.’ She said “Your mom hasn’t even turned cold in her grave and you’re making all these changes. She would’ve hated what you’re doing to the living room.” She then accused me of blowing my mom’s money because I bought a new purse. Yes, it was a little pricey ($150), but how does making ONE purchase mean I’m blowing ALL her money?

She then proceeded to say “You know what Ali? I’m starting to think that you just couldn’t wait for your mother to die so you could do whatever you want.”

How the fuck can you even say that to me? After all I’ve been doing for the past year? Dropping out of school to come home and take care of her and spend time with her (all of which was 24/7, round the clock), driving her 12 hours a week down to Indianapolis for chemo, and doing all the housework, cooking, cleaning, etc. 

I love my mother, more than anything. Sure, we didn’t really see eye to eye on things, and we didn’t get along for a while, but don’t you ever say that I was waiting for her to die. Who the fuck are you?

I’m sorry my way of grieving is different. I’m sorry I’m not wallowing in my sadness and pain like you are to the point where I end up in the hospital. 

You have no idea what I’m feeling. You have no idea that my body won’t let me sleep much anymore. You don’t know that my anxiety is at an all time high all the time. You don’t know that I feel so fucking guilty. 

Don’t you ever tell me that I didn’t care or that I was ‘waiting for her to die.’ 

I’m trying to keep myself together and move forward. It’s what my mom would have wanted. 

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